Tuesday, April 21, 2015

I need a ray of hope in my life

I don't even know how to explain my life right now. I feel like I'm stuck in this fog. I'm depressed. I'm manic. My anxiety is high. I feel like it's a struggle to just breathe. PTSD? The doc says I have it. I'm convinced I do. When I walk out of this house, that's when I feel like I can breathe. When I'm in this house, I feel like a mess. I walk in the bathroom, horrific images start playing in my head. It's like a video being replayed over and over. If someone is in the bathroom for more than a minute or two, I start freaking out. Not really noticeably, but in my head I freak out. I'm so worried something bad is going to happen again. I feel like I can't breathe even more so. My heart starts pounding so fast and hard. I do not know how to handle this. My doc wants me to go to counseling. I know I should. But at the same time, I don't want to talk to anyone, especially a complete stranger. I know that's their job, but I also know how the whole process works and it's designed to make me figure things out for myself. I don't need to talk to somebody to do that. I KNOW things will get better with time. I know this for a fact. But time is going so slow. I just want to fast forward through all this bullshit. I want to feel better. I want to be able to breathe again. I feel like I'm suffocating. I want to move. I want out of this house. Not in 4 years when Alex graduates high school - I want out of this house NOW. I want to move today. That's how bad I want out of this house. I can't stand the constant replaying of this video in my head. I know moving won't necessarily make the video go away, but it will help me in ways I can't even explain. I'm a person who is pretty in tune with my body. I know what works for me. & moving would help. But, that's not in the plans right now. I wish it was. I wish we could just move far away. But, that wouldn't be fair to the kids to take them away from their friends. Or for Alex who has worked so hard to get into this high school that he'll be going to in the fall. So, I just have to figure out a way to deal with all of this. Meds do not help. I'm maxed on anxiety meds, according to my doc, and honestly, they don't do much for me. They mellow me out a little, but not enough. She put me on an antidepressant that's also supposed to help with PTSD. I haven't noticed a difference. I feel the same. I feel the same. I really have no interest in anything. And now, the semester is pretty much over. I am so bored. I just sit around the house. I have no money to do anything, and even if I had money to do anything, I have no interest in doing anything. Speaking of money, Mike got approved for his social security! That is the only good thing that has happened this year besides Alex being accepted into the high school he applied to. Almost May, and this year has sucked so bad except for those two things. It pisses me off. This was supposed to be a good year. I know its not even half over and there is still plenty of time left to make it a good year. But how do I make it a good year when I am feeling this way? I just want to crawl in bed and stay there. But I can't sleep. I have barely slept the past week. I have bad dreams when I sleep. and my brain doesn't shut up. The meds I take, they shut my brain up for a few hours and I'm usually able to sleep 3-4 hours. But then I'm up, brain racing a million thoughts so fast that I don't even know what I'm thinking at any given moment. I wish I could just take my brain out of my head for a while. I need some peace and quiet. It doesn't matter how quiet my house is - my brain is screaming at me, constantly. I'm not even interested in school at the moment. I want to finish and have my degree so bad. But I feel am not motivated to do anything at the moment. I just want to start this year over. And I want it to happen without all the bad shit that's happened. I feel like I'm currently failing at life. As a wife, as a mom, as a student, as a daughter, as a sister, as everything. I feel like I'm no good to anybody right now, and most certainly not even for myself. I just need things to get better. I have no hope at the moment. My brain tells me from experience that things will get better, but at the same time, my brain tells me that I have such a long ways to go. And I don't feel like I have it in me. I just need a ray of hope ------- just a ray.

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