Saturday, May 2, 2015

I hear the birds before I see the sun

I hear the birds before the sun comes up. Its like I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The birds chirping are the tunnel and the light is the end.
Okay, that sounds stupid. I know what I'm trying to say, but it doesn't make sense.

What I'm trying to say is that things will be better, soon. This waiting game sucks. Not knowing how we'll get through this month sucks. But better things are coming. Patience. I don't seem to have enough of it. Does anybody? Would anybody who has been going through such hard times?

I wish I could just sleep for a few weeks and wake up to better things. Sleep makes time go so much faster, but my body and sleep don't seem to get along well. Yes, another sleepless night here. Maybe I'll sleep better when I'm not feeling so stressed out. I can only hope.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015


I honestly am starting to think I will never have a "normal" sleep schedule again. This has been the past few days
Saturday - slept about 15 hours.
Sunday - up all night.
Monday - about 6 hours, was up at 130am.
Tuesday - about the same as Monday, up at 1:30am again.

130am is a little early to start the day!

I am sitting here freezing. I was hot when I first woke up, but now I'm freezing. I don't think I'll ever be normal again in that aspect either; I'm always cold. I just turned the heat up 2 degrees, maybe I'll warm up a little.

Today (Wednesday) I have to take Mike to his pain doc appointment bc he is getting injections done. We are hoping these help.
Friday morning I get up bright and early (shouldn't be a problem) and go grocery shopping.
Next week is busy. Monday I see the dentist and Thursday I see my surgeon. I'm glad they were able to get me in a little sooner. This stomach pain has been crazy.

I'm officially done with this semester. Looks like 1 A, 2 B's, and 2 C's. Not thrilled about the C's, but at least it is passing. Considering everything that happened this semester and how distracted and unfocused I have been, I did a lot better than I thought I would.

Well, that's my short little update. I am not feeling so great. My ear is hurting again. Guess I'll start using that damn Flonase stuff again today. It makes everything taste funny though. Its like spraying flowery flavored beer in my nose and the taste gets in my mouth. But it does help my allergies.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Just things.....

I got some sleep last night. I went to bed around 7-730pm and slept till almost 4am. My anxiety doesn't feel so bad today. Not yet anyways, its only almost noon. I don't feel as bored and as "uninterested" in everything like I did yesterday. Again, it's still early. I still want to DO something. I just don't know what. Yesterday, I was just so bored and due to that my mind was racing and bad things kept popping in my head, which made me super depressed. Maybe the meds are finally starting to help some? Or maybe I just feel a little better because I got some sleep? Whatever it is, I don't want to feel like I did yesterday ever again. It wasn't my worst day, but it was far from being a good day.

My stomach is hurting so bad today. I don't know if its this allergy/sinus infection drainage or what. It hurts like it did before when I had an ulcer. I am thinking it is another ulcer. I see my surgeon in about a month and he'll probably want to do another scope. I hate having those scopes done. But, oh well. What can I do? I found some carafate that I still had from the last time I had an ulcer. It won't heal, but it helps coat the stomach, so I took some of that.

I've been looking up stuff about the saltwater tank I am going to set up soon. I think I'm going to do a reef tank. Maybe. I haven't decided for sure yet. But then I just think about all the money I'm going to put into this tank and how I could do so much other stuff with that money. I dunno. I really want to do this, but I just keep thinking about how expensive it is and that makes me question it. I guess we'll just see. I also worry that I'm going to screw up. If I do this tank, I want it to be perfect. I'm not sure if I'm willing to devote that much time and money into a fish tank. I need to figure it out....

Anyways, not really much to talk about right now. I need to fold some laundry and clean the kitchen. I also need to figure out dinner tonight. I'm thinking about making some pumpkin bread. I haven't made any in a while and I have like 6 cans of pumpkin in the cabinet.

It is windy again today. and cold. I'm tired of this weather. I wish it'd warm up and the wind would stop. I wouldn't mind going for a walk if it was nicer outside. The sun is shining now at least but it's still just windy and chilly. Not weather I care to go for a walk in.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

last one on anxiety

Anxiety Described in Pictures...

Worth reading.

I need a ray of hope in my life

I don't even know how to explain my life right now. I feel like I'm stuck in this fog. I'm depressed. I'm manic. My anxiety is high. I feel like it's a struggle to just breathe. PTSD? The doc says I have it. I'm convinced I do. When I walk out of this house, that's when I feel like I can breathe. When I'm in this house, I feel like a mess. I walk in the bathroom, horrific images start playing in my head. It's like a video being replayed over and over. If someone is in the bathroom for more than a minute or two, I start freaking out. Not really noticeably, but in my head I freak out. I'm so worried something bad is going to happen again. I feel like I can't breathe even more so. My heart starts pounding so fast and hard. I do not know how to handle this. My doc wants me to go to counseling. I know I should. But at the same time, I don't want to talk to anyone, especially a complete stranger. I know that's their job, but I also know how the whole process works and it's designed to make me figure things out for myself. I don't need to talk to somebody to do that. I KNOW things will get better with time. I know this for a fact. But time is going so slow. I just want to fast forward through all this bullshit. I want to feel better. I want to be able to breathe again. I feel like I'm suffocating. I want to move. I want out of this house. Not in 4 years when Alex graduates high school - I want out of this house NOW. I want to move today. That's how bad I want out of this house. I can't stand the constant replaying of this video in my head. I know moving won't necessarily make the video go away, but it will help me in ways I can't even explain. I'm a person who is pretty in tune with my body. I know what works for me. & moving would help. But, that's not in the plans right now. I wish it was. I wish we could just move far away. But, that wouldn't be fair to the kids to take them away from their friends. Or for Alex who has worked so hard to get into this high school that he'll be going to in the fall. So, I just have to figure out a way to deal with all of this. Meds do not help. I'm maxed on anxiety meds, according to my doc, and honestly, they don't do much for me. They mellow me out a little, but not enough. She put me on an antidepressant that's also supposed to help with PTSD. I haven't noticed a difference. I feel the same. I feel the same. I really have no interest in anything. And now, the semester is pretty much over. I am so bored. I just sit around the house. I have no money to do anything, and even if I had money to do anything, I have no interest in doing anything. Speaking of money, Mike got approved for his social security! That is the only good thing that has happened this year besides Alex being accepted into the high school he applied to. Almost May, and this year has sucked so bad except for those two things. It pisses me off. This was supposed to be a good year. I know its not even half over and there is still plenty of time left to make it a good year. But how do I make it a good year when I am feeling this way? I just want to crawl in bed and stay there. But I can't sleep. I have barely slept the past week. I have bad dreams when I sleep. and my brain doesn't shut up. The meds I take, they shut my brain up for a few hours and I'm usually able to sleep 3-4 hours. But then I'm up, brain racing a million thoughts so fast that I don't even know what I'm thinking at any given moment. I wish I could just take my brain out of my head for a while. I need some peace and quiet. It doesn't matter how quiet my house is - my brain is screaming at me, constantly. I'm not even interested in school at the moment. I want to finish and have my degree so bad. But I feel am not motivated to do anything at the moment. I just want to start this year over. And I want it to happen without all the bad shit that's happened. I feel like I'm currently failing at life. As a wife, as a mom, as a student, as a daughter, as a sister, as everything. I feel like I'm no good to anybody right now, and most certainly not even for myself. I just need things to get better. I have no hope at the moment. My brain tells me from experience that things will get better, but at the same time, my brain tells me that I have such a long ways to go. And I don't feel like I have it in me. I just need a ray of hope ------- just a ray.